I tried to write this post this morning. I was feeling a little foggy mentally, a bit sad, and lonely. I couldn’t focus enough to get any of my thoughts down and could barely type a sentence that made any sense. I spent most of my weekend at my Grandma’s house to be around some family and had a great time all together, but the result left me emotionally drained.
I couldn’t exactly explain how I was feeling to anyone. I took the ride back to Pittsburgh alone and in silence. I decided not to distract myself with stereo noise and I let myself cry a bit. It wasn’t a full on outburst, but just a few sniffles and tears to wipe from my cheeks. The loneliness had set in at that point. Winter has never been my favorite time of year because it is a time where I’m usually forced to stay inside instead of distracting myself with friends, my vices, and school in the past. Winter breaks while I was in college were grueling. I’d spend a lot of time either sleeping or getting irrationally drunk until I’d just fall asleep again, unless I was working which was somewhat of a distraction. Although working retail was just another bullet of my list of things to deal with.
This year is a bit different. I still feel those feelings of loneliness and moments where I find myself extremely immersed in some unexplainable and potent mood, but instead of immediately trying to flail desperately in the sea that is my emotions, I let myself float. I don’t tell myself that the feelings are irrational and I don’t invalidate them. I don’t wrack my brain for an explanation. I just feel. That’s a practice that is quite new for me.
After I got to the midway point in my drive, I stopped at a Chipotle and got something to eat since I wasn’t sure whether or not I’d have the energy to make dinner. I sat in my car and watched traffic go by in the parking lot as I ate, playing an old playlist of mine softly in the background. Even though I felt sad, I felt happy that I’d at least taken the time out to feed myself. I often remind myself how good it is to do small acts of kindness for myself. Eating is a necessity and I probably wouldn’t have gone without it or thought much about it, but it felt like a nice moment to rest and focus on the cars passing by.
I spent the day with my brain on low power mode. Like I mentioned earlier, I could hardly focus anyway so I tried not to think much at all. Of course, it didn’t always work and when I felt really down I found myself falling into that old routine of putting myself down and getting angry with myself. This time though, it didn’t feel like a sharp anger or a call to action in finding my way “back to normal”. It was more like this pattern of thinking was so familiar that it was easy to fall back into the trap. I reminded myself of this while I got closer to home and eventually, the thoughts went away.
I finished the rest of my Chipotle when I got in the house and took the evening to lay in bed and watch a few funny videos. I was feeling like I didn’t have much to say, but chatted on the phone with my best friends. We made plans tomorrow, which is nice since one of them is back in town and the other has the next day off. This made me feel better.
After awhile, I felt a burst of motivation so I took the opportunity to make myself some lunch for work tomorrow. I even washed the sink full of dishes that I’ve been neglecting for so long and that felt pretty good. When I finished cooking, I felt amazed at the process I’d gone through today. I didn’t feel overworked or exhausted after trying to process emotions like I often do. I felt almost like I had a nice, understanding conversation with myself even if I didn’t quite understand why I was in my earlier state at all.
I don’t have some major takeaway point from this post. I just feel sorry it took so long to write it. Today felt like progress, though and if that hadn’t happened there wouldn’t be a post to make. So I suppose it feels good in the end.